 I don’t expect the answer to arrive all at once. I’m learning that understanding often comes in slowly, like light leaking through the blinds at sunrise. Subtle, almost imperceptible at first, until suddenly everything is illuminated, and you can see what’s been there all along. That’s what I’m hoping for. Not a lightning bolt of transformation, but a gradual unfolding. And I will no longer be going sideways.
I am thinking that this is what will happen someday.
Lately, I’ve been sitting with silence more. Not rushing to fill it with conversation or scrolling or background noise. Just… quiet. And in that quiet, I can hear the parts of me I’ve neglected. I was the writer who once wrote without worrying if it was “good.†The reader who used to get lost in stories just because they were well written and captured my attention. The curious mind that used to ask questions without needing immediate answers. Well, the curious part, at least, is still a work in progress.
Sitting on the front porch early in the morning, with my mug of black coffee, is my current “happy place.â€
There’s something powerful in realizing you can return to yourself. That you’re not broken, just overly distracted. And yet the act of figuring out where I am is still progress. I’ve spent so long trying to keep up, trying to measure up, that I forgot how to just be. It used to be that I needed a title to feel OK: father, manager, coach, etc. Now I am finally able to sit on the porch with my mug of coffee and just be me.
I can finally be just me, by myself, and that’s a huge step forward, not sideways.
I’ve also been thinking about permission. For most of my life, I have worried about what “they might say.†But maybe no one’s going to give me permission, for I have never really understood who they are. So maybe I have to give permission to myself. That’s a scary kind of freedom, but it’s also the most honest kind. No one else can define what my “right life†looks like. That blueprint has to come from within.
And I can do that with my interview coaching clients, so why can’t I do it for myself?
Thus, here’s what I’m committing to doing going forward. It’s not a grand, complicated plan. It’s one small thing I can do each day to feel more connected. Some days, that might mean saying no. Other days, it might mean saying yes to something unfamiliar. And maybe, with time, those unimportant things will add up to something bigger, something meaningful that moves me forward.
I am also feeling okay again if the future is unknown.
I’m remembering that it is okay to be uncertain. I do not need to fix it before I can move forward. I am once again remembering to trust that not knowing is part of the path. That this idea of questioning isn’t a detour, it is the road. And while I don’t have all the answers, I have the awareness to start looking, and the courage to stay curious.
Wow, I think I finally know what being curious is
Maybe my goal isn’t to become someone entirely new. Maybe my goal is to remember who I’ve always been, and remember the roles I’ve outgrown. Perhaps I have been going sideways so I can reach the next level.
