• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • About
  • Mental Health Resources
    • Depression Resources
  • Blog
    • Coping
    • Medication
    • Self Care
    • Stress and Anxiety
    • Unhelpful thinking
      • Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda
      • Fortune-Telling
      • Guilt and Shame
      • Time Travel
    • Sleep Issues
    • Depression
    • Covid19
    • Suicide & Self-Harm
    • Wellness Tools
      • SMART – Self Management And Recovery Training
      • WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan)
      • Change Triangle
  • Contact

“I Suffer From Depression.” Here’s What I Am Learning.

Turnaround
You are here: Home / Guilt and Shame / The Real Truth About Depression and My Survivors Guilt

The Real Truth About Depression and My Survivors Guilt

November 10, 2020 by Depression Is Not My Boss 1 Comment

I feel guilt and shame for surviving depression while others have committed suicide

Some days I need to remind myself that I have depression.

But most days, I know that depression and I have a lifelong connection. As I move further away from my time in the hospital, I am beginning to feel guilty for being alive. The better things are going in my life, the more I feel guilty.

After all there are many people in much worse shape than I ever was, even as I was circling the drain.

And some of them are not alive anymore.

Why then am I ALIVE?

I have so many questions:

  • What is it that has sent me on the path to recovery?
  • Why did I come back from the abyss?
  • What is keeping me from relapsing?
  • Why do I feel so guilty that I am well enough to think about others?
  • Why am I alive and others are not?
  • And Where Is This Guilt Coming From?

At my support group, On Our Own, we lost one of our own to suicide.

Virtual meetings as the pandemic intensified wasn’t enough to keep him from a relapse. And the consequences were final for him. I only knew him for a year, but others had a multi-year relationship with him as he made consistent visits, attending many different support meetings offered by On Our Own.

The news of his suicide this summer really brought on the guilt.

How could I still be alive? He was much younger than I and was a wonderful person, kind, smart, and a pleasure to be around. How could he not see he was loved? This isn’t an easy question, and the answer is, depression and mental illness, at least for me, skew my perspective.

Heck, it makes me think my loved ones are the enemy.

Depression has me thinking only it has my best interests at heart. It says, “do not listen to anyone else, regardless of what they say.” “Oh, and let’s keep this a secret between you and I. No one else will understand you.”

As soon as I begin to listen to that, I cannot see anything else but what depression is telling me.

Challenging this type of unhelpful thinking was one of the ways I finally began to recover. Just knowing that I could ask better questions set me on the path to recovery. And then collecting the tools that give me ways to question and think differently has set me up to face depression head-on.

READ MORE: Up Against The Wall – 10 Unhelpful Thinking Styles

And by the way, when I first began to do that 17 months ago, depression was very, very, mad.

Depression did not want me thinking for myself. It was angry that I would question it’s plans for me. The very idea that I could make my own decisions and question any other’s thoughts made depression strengthen it’s resolved to drag me back to the abyss.

I have been discussing my feelings of survivor guilt with both my Psychiatrist and my therapist.

Using the Change Triangle, my therapist and I are exploring where these ideas fall and how to move from them to my core emotions. Each time I meet with him, I leave the session drained. He is helping me do the work to challenge these unhelpful thoughts. This is helping me resolve my feelings of guilt. And I am beginning to see value in myself.

OK, that’s a stretch, but I am working on it. Knowing I cannot change events, but can change my attitude towards it, is empowering

I have written a lot about understanding my value. I have mostly attached my value to a title, father, manager, author, career coach, etc. Having value just as myself, has been much harder for me to embrace.

And being a depression survivor is a title I feel guilty accepting. Yet that is me. I am alive because I was too frightened to take my life. And I am alive, because I finally decided that doing the same thing and expecting a different result had not worked in 43 years and most likely wasn’t going to work this time.

I am alive because I chose to ask for professional medical help.

So here I am alive and still writing. Yes, I feel guilty about still being alive, but here I am. So, despite depressions attempts to lure me back to the depths of the abyss, I am putting one foot in front of the other.

READ MORE: Three Things I Learned While Circling The Drain

My recovery is at a point where I can some days, write for others.

By that, I mean, I am sharing what I have learned on topics such as coping statements for depression and anxiety. Finding and sharing studies and articles by medical professionals is a way I can give back.

My hope is that others can see there is hope, even if this means feeling guilty for being alive.

Filed Under: Coping Statements for Anxiety, Coping Statements for Depression, Depression, Featured Home, Guilt and Shame, Some days I feel like myself, Stress and Anxiety, Suicide & Self-Harm, The cost of success, therapy, Unhelpful thinking Tagged With: depression, depression and anxiety, depression is not my boss, depressionisreal, feeling guilty, guilt and shame, unhelpful coping statements, Unhelpful thinking, unhelpful thinking styles

Reader Interactions

Trackbacks

  1. Having Survivor's Guilt About Depression, Is It OK To Feel OK? - says:
    August 26, 2021 at 9:57 AM

    […] READ MORE: The Real Truth About Depression and My Survivors Guilt […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

I write My Concealed Depression to create Mental Health AwarenessHello, I am Joel. I have Major Depressive Disorder.  I am genuinely determined to figure out my personal relationship with depression. With 40+ years of living with concealed depression, I write my blog to find answers. 

I once got so carried away searching for answers that I even earned a  certification in  SMART Recovery. 

Get my latest posts, (your email is never sold or rented)

I developed a 38 Page Mental Health Tools Flipbook. Complete the Form and Get Your Free Copy Now.

Privacy Policy

Discover Self-Care, Coping Strategies, Understand Anxiety, Track your Triggers, Mood, and Sleep; Recap Therapy Sessions, and more.

https://myconcealeddepression.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/my-concealed-depression-intro.mp4
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest

More to See

The startling truth about coping statements for anxiety and depression

The Startling Truth About Coping Statements For Anxiety and Depression

October 28, 2020 By Depression Is Not My Boss

My 101 Coping Strategies for Anxiety

My 101 Best Coping Statements For Anxiety and Depression

October 18, 2020 By Depression Is Not My Boss

My attitude about my depression will decide how I feel about joy as an emotion, instead of depression's unhelpful thinking

If Only I Felt Happy, Maybe I Could Be Happy

January 31, 2023 By Depression Is Not My Boss

Is my anxiety from not cleaning up completely from my trip to Africa?

Is My Anxiety Because I Am Still Unpacking from Africa?

January 28, 2023 By Depression Is Not My Boss

You Never Pay More, Yet Clicking These Links And Making a Purchase Helps Fund My Blog

PureFormulas.com-Pure Healthy Goodness, Highest-Grade Natural Supplements! Fast, Free Shipping!
Mosaic 250x250
Blog Meets Brand
Your Page Title

Footer

Contact

Email:  my.concealed.depression@gmail.com

Privacy Policy

Recent

  • Depressed? Why I Hadn’t Considered Myself as Having Depression
  • If Only I Felt Happy, Maybe I Could Be Happy
  • Is My Anxiety Because I Am Still Unpacking from Africa?
  • Am I Able to Be Happier, to Feel Joy?
  • What Made Depression Almost Keep Me From Summiting Mt. Kilimanjaro?

Search

© Copyright 2020 · My Concealed Depression · All Rights Reserved · Designed by The Marketing Momma