Or am I depressed and just don’t recognize the reason?
After my medication management appointment with my Psychiatrist, I thought things were opening up and getting better. After all, getting up in the morning is still much easier than before my medication was changed. That sluggish feeling is not with me as I start my day. I am incredibly grateful for that. But at the same time, things are not right.
Or I am not understanding my feelings?
The past three weeks have been so-so at best. I am keeping it together in many ways, but I can feel things slipping into a rut of “who gives a darn?†That’s not a good place to be. And not feeling able to make the call to my Psychiatrist to ask about my medication is not helping me.
READ: Will I recognize a relapse?
Plus, I blew off my last therapy appointment when I was asked at work if I could switch with another manager. I jumped at the chance to miss my appointment. What is that all about? Not being sure where the talk therapy is going, it seemed better not to go and waste everyone’s time. Two visits ago, it seemed like I was forcing the conversation.
For my most recent visit to my therapist, I was better prepared with a list of topics to discuss.
Having a list to remind me makes it easier for me to talk about things. I know I have it on the list, so I do not need to carry the idea around n my conscious brain. However, now that I have it written down, my subconscious brain begins to work on it. So, by the time my appointment rolls around, I have more ideas on each subject.
On day two of my three-day Labor Day weekend, I did force myself to get out and work in the orchard. This included weeding around all the fruit trees, adding new mulch, and removing the large 4’ wire cages I had placed around some of the trees to keep the deer from eating the tender leaves. Seeing peach trees for sale at Lowes, I purchased a tree to replace the second cherry tree that didn’t make it.
Back to my feelings of depression, I am unsure why I cannot move forward.
I am back to that deer in headlights feeling, frozen, unable to move. I recognize that something is not right, but I do not have the energy to act upon those feelings. Depression is winning the current round. This is not acceptable anymore. Now that I know what depression does and how it sneaks up on me, I should be ready to employ all the wonderful and actionable tools I have learned.
I should be saying, “now listen hear depression, I may have you, but you do not have me!â€
Now here comes the shoulda, woulda, coulda bus. At once, I can see many times where I shoulda done X, Y, or Z. I coulda been X, Y, or Z. If I only woulda done X, Y, or Z. This is so maddening to know, in hindsight of course, that had I recognized the situation, I might have chosen a different outcome.
READ: I promise not to should on myself today
But I chose the outcome I got, so I need to get over it and move forward.
My current round of hopelessness began about three weeks ago. Thinking back about the event, this was the culmination of a months’ worth of work to determine the best ways to help a loved one. Moving her to a different setting, with different care likely set off my latest depression session. I know that I knew that this would be hard, but a relapse of my depression was not expected.
It was all about what is best for her and I wasn’t prepared for what the decision meant to me.
And that is “if†the decision is what has triggered my latest round of depression. I have been doing remarkably well since April. And it is now September. That is five months of a relatively balanced life with depression. Knowing that life, in general, is not a straight line, I should have expected that something would disrupt the calm.
But a relapse into some level of hopelessness, guilt and feelings of unworthiness is what I am struggling with.
Perhaps I need to understand where these feelings are coming from to get them to stop. Or maybe recognizing them is enough. Just labeling them and then, as in mindfulness, let them float on downstream, I can acknowledge them without engaging their energy. The more I stress about these feelings the more power they obtain from me.
If I continue this path, I will be up against the wall once again, with no way forward.
I do not want that, and I have worked extremely hard in the past 17 months to not relapse to the point where I need professional medical staff to intervene. So that leaves me with two awfully hard tasks to complete. One is calling my Psychiatrist to ask her about these feelings and my medication. Number two is to call and set up my next therapy appointment.
One other thing I will do is review my Wellness Recovery Action Plan.
This will give me a list of things I said I would do if I began to feel like I was relapsing. And one of the things on the list is to talk with my Peer Advocate from On Our Own. I trust her and feel I can be honest with her.
Until COVID ceases, this is as close as I can get to the physical reassurance that being at On Our Own delivers. I am so grateful I found them. Their help over the past 17 months is one reason why I have made progress in understanding how to live with depression.
Now if I can just figure out the reason behind my latest round with depression…
My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.†I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.
Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last year, I am sharing what I learn.
If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, please share.
I very much appreciate your comments. I learn from them and respond to everyone.
