It feels like I know what the honest answer is.
Yet I cannot bring myself to say the words. Saying it should be easy, as it is something about my future. So far, all I have is a list of things I don’t want. For one thing, I know that I don’t want to be taken advantage of. All of my life, I have said yes to others’ needs, often at the expense of myself. I am finally, after almost 69 years, learning how to advocate for myself. I am confident that I can say no.
But saying no isn’t the same as naming what comes next.
Saying no is just one part of dancing around the obvious. Saying no is just a part of what I am learning. I thought that an AI-generated outline would help me write out my ideas in a quick blog post. But as I look at the outline, I am having second thoughts about basing my writing on an AI-generated outline. The material is well thought out. I created an opening paragraph and asked ChatGPT to generate an outline to write from.
I thought it would be so easy to write my blog post if I used a well-thought-out outline.
But I can tell that the final product will be scripted. It will not be me, trying to make sense over what is next. It will be my scribbling around an outline. I didn’t just think that I was asking AI to create not an actual blog post, but an outline based upon my input. So, in some ways, it is me. And these are my thoughts.
In that regard, I suppose I could use it to put my blog post together.
And the portion I did not write of the outline clearly understands the big picture of what I am thinking. The outline is concise, organized, and is easy to follow. When I write, I am often all over the place. Can ChatGPT create a version that is “all over the place?” Perhaps it can. But once again, who is writing what I am thinking?
Even with a concise outline, I am not sure if my version will be similar to what ChatGPT has written.
Just for giggles, I asked AI to create a 1500-word blog post from the outline it generated. Once again, it is clear, well thought out, and very organized. But is it me? I am not so sure. And I will learn more about my depression as I write. ‘What do I learn if I let ChatGPT write the blog post for me?
I am not sure that I learn anything about myself and my depression.
About halfway through the outline, it proposes a shift in how I think about retiring at age 70. The question is reframed. Before it was “what should I do?” Now AI wants me to ask, “What do I want to feel?” It’s suggesting that I get in touch with my feelings. But the outline now suggests that I give myself permission to imagine different scenarios without pressure.
In my Career Coaching, I have noticed many people need someone to stand beside them and give them permission to be great.
It is easy for me to coach others in how to interview with the clear expectation of getting a follow-up interview and a job offer. I often remind them that their mother won’t be sitting next to them in the interview. This means if they don’t show how their transferable skills align with what they are hiring for, no one will. I guess many people feel they are bragging.
And so, many people interview and do not receive job offers.
They wonder why. But the reality is they were not showing the interviewer that they were a good fit for the organization. And they will continue to have this bad luck until they figure it out and share stories that demonstrate what they did in other companies. Now the interviewer is seeing them doing the same things in his or her organization. If I had followed the AI outline, I would have been forced to follow along and not allow my mind to stray to other topics.
Now, my AI is going to have me examine the fear of regret versus the desire for renewal.
I have thought long and hard about regret. This is one of the unhelpful thinking ideas. I used to spend hours of my precious days wallowing in would a, could a, should a. My regret about things I did or things I didn’t do used to occupy much of my time. In fact, I was a wonderful time traveler.
At the drop of a hat, I could jump into the past or fly into the future
I would create amazing stories about my interactions with people and never need to talk with the person involved. My depression is good at filling in any questionable space. I know a lot about regret.
Understanding and embracing the desire for renewal is a new idea.
Not feeling good enough, it is often hard for me to envision myself having a desire for renewal. Now, in the past, I have set goals and have achieved them. Achieving the goal was never really hard once I committed to the idea. But once I achieved the goal, I would struggle with what’s next. However, as soon as the new idea surfaced, I was all in.
So, I have gone around the barn to say that I often struggle with my desire for the future.
I have written a list of things I would like to do once I retire. Even this small step is way more thoughtful than the first time I retired. Not only did I not have a plan, but I also started listening to my depression. First, it was a subtle nudge, just to make sure I knew my depression was there. Then it became more insistent, and it began invoking the secrecy clause. Soon my depression had turned its idea into my idea.
Once the idea was mine, my depression’s job was almost complete.
So, figuring out things I want to do is the logical next step. What is my desire for the future? Is anyone a part of it? When my depression thought it was a clever idea to throw away 40 years of planning and retire early, it soon became my idea. After I found myself up against the wall, with no visible way forward, I discovered my depression was nowhere to be found.
By this time, my depression had flown to some tropical paradise and was ignoring safety by sitting in the sun with no sunscreen or even a cap.
So, by not following the outline I created with AI, I find myself jumping around from thought to thought. But by clarifying the questions, will I be able to have AI perform more like myself? This is still a work in progress. My goal in starting this blog over 6 years ago was to write out my thoughts about my depression, in an attempt to learn more about my lifelong companion.
