For those who have read Part One, you can scroll down to PART TWO
I’m certain I have asked this question before.
But now that I have the chance to think about it, I cannot say for sure what I want. My therapist suggested that I could notice traits in others that I like. Then, I could muse out loud if I possibly had the same habits and the same positive traits. This was more about things about me that are true. Saying out loud what I want, sends me into uncharted territory.
Truth be told, what I really want is not to have depression.
But I know that is not going to happen. Even right now, when it is largely under control, I know my depression is lurking in the corner, just waiting for the chance to appear and “save the day.” It is like the role of the unsung hero who swoops in at the last moment to save the day! I’m not sure I have the same ideas about my depression’s role in the drama called My Life.
Back to the subject of “what do I want out of my life.”
I just don’t have the answer. I’m not sure that I can see out to what I want. Being prepared, available, and in charge is all I know. My work and my family all rely on me to be evergreen. I’m the one who can be counted on. I’m the one who always has a plan, an idea, a way forward. Over the years, I have always been there for others.
I’m not sure I would even know how to act if it was all about me.
I have written about needing to advocate for myself to be admitted into 5 North. The ER doctor, the Admitting doctor on Zoom at the hospital, and even the floor doctor when I arrived all seemed to suggest that I just forget it and go home.
It felt like they all thought it was “just one of those things.”
But to me, it was all about standing and facing my depression. Had I let one of those doctors send me home, I might still be doing the same thing while expecting a different result. I would find myself being thankful that it was over. I would be sweeping any crumbs from the encounter under the nearest rug.
In the end, I would walk away, never looking back.
Until my time in 5 North, my goal was to return to my “normal” self as quickly as possible. I had no interest in rehashing what had happened. All I wanted was to be as far away from what had happened to me as possible. Pretending as if it never happened gave my confidence a boost.
After all, it was just “one of those things.”
So, I walked away, never looking back. In my head, I imagined that no one saw what had happened. After all, if no one saw anything, then there was nothing to explain. And if there was nothing to explain, then I had nothing to worry about. I could relax, feeling like no one knew what I had been going through.
Of course, the fact that no one knew was only true in my mind.
Even one person checked the obituaries, feeling that I probably had ended my life. When I spoke with her, I was shocked to hear what she was thinking. I figured some people knew, but I never thought that anyone would think of suicide.
I no longer distracting myself with the idea that no one could tell I was in the throes of depression.
Yet I still believe that I almost “got away with no one knowing.” Of course, this is doo-doo, but it makes me feel better thinking I was not “found out.” I can pretend that I am the only one who knew I was going through a rough patch.
After all, if someone could see that I was having a depressive episode, then they might see that I am a fraud, that I don’t really know what I am doing or saying.
Once again, I have wandered away from the topic into familiar territory. I am writing about what I feel, but it has nothing to do with the topic. Worse, it feels like I am doing this to avoid writing about what I set out to write about.
My goal in writing this was to consider what I want.
Me. Not me after I have taken care of someone, but me alone. Just me. I do not feel that I am in touch with myself. I am sure that I know what I want if I could just clear my mind from all of this self-doubt. Or maybe it will just take some time. After all, I am still wrestling with the question of who I am when I don’t have a title.
When I am sitting on the front porch, early in the morning, drinking my coffee, who am I?
If I am not father, grandfather, manager, brother, then who am I? I have thought about this question for years, and am still working on an answer with which I can live. So, adding a layer and asking myself what I want could take some time, too.
Perhaps starting with what I don’t want isn’t the end of the world. When mentoring employees at work, I often get them to “reverse engineer” their careers. If they want to wind up as the general manager of a big box retail operation, then how old will they be? How long do they see themselves in that position? And what steps did they need to take to get there?
By subtracting their current age from the age they see themselves retiring, how long will they spend in each role on the way to their ultimate destination?
So, understanding what I do not want could help me decide what I want.
Well, that gives me one thing I do not want. Yet, not having depression is a non-starter as, based on my family history, I will always have a relationship with depression. I suppose my next step is figuring out how to move forward, knowing that I will never be alone.
PART TWO
Ignoring my depression puts me back where I was before my four days in 5 North.
I can’t walk away anymore, pretending nothing happened. And I haven’t all the answers about what to do to make peace with my depression. My therapist offered “no bad parts” as a way to open up myself to all of those parts of me that I am not in love with.
She did say that one day, I may wish to thank my depression for keeping me alive and doing the best it can with the tools it had available.
She acknowledged that I was not ready to forgive my depression. I agreed wholeheartedly. I am still angry about my long-term relationship with my depression and all of the success I feel depression robbed from me. Even without shouda, woulda, coulda ing, I feel that I did not make decisions that supported the plans I had envisioned.
What I did do was whatever cockamamie plan depression, and I hatched.
And this was never what I would have done had I not had my depression suggesting things that I ultimately took as my own ideas. Plus, I became secretive, with depression more and more being the only advice I was hearing. My depression still was not happy with that.
My depression was still on the job until it had made its suggestions, “MY IDEA.”
Later, when the stuff hit the fan, my depression was not there to take responsibility with me for whatever it was we acted on. My depression was on holiday and had never been around when it was time to pay the piper. Depression is the expert in making me feel it was all my idea.
My depression will make it clear it is only there to help me and offer suggestions.
If I choose a different path, it tells me that would be OK. But I hear, “If you don’t take my suggestion, something bad may happen. Of course, until 5 North, I had always taken my depression’s suggestions. And every single time I did, dreadful things ended up happening. Finally, I had to tell depression we would not be doing that anymore.
I could no longer keep doing the same thing while expecting a different result.
So, the question I am evading is, “What do I want?” It turns out that I have had little practice at this. Even when, to the outside world, it will look as if I control, I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. Serving others has been my model. Standing up for what I want has not been as much of a priority.
What do I want for my future?
I am asking myself to answer a question I need to practice more. My focus needs to be on me. I am realizing that being honest with myself is not as easy as it sounds. Creating a roadmap for my future is not going to be a one-and-done project.
