Just Me and My Depression

If I am “cured” of depression, who will be my friend?

Boy, that sounds terrible as I read what I just wrote. And there are several things that jump out at me about that statement. First, I know I will never be cured.

A broken leg heals, but that is not the same. Researchers are looking for a cure for cancer, healing those who have it. A cure means people will not die from it or suffer painfully. My depression is not curable.

Second, if Depression is really my friend, why does it treat me this way?

Depression wants me to keep secrets, to refrain from talking to others. It frowns on asking questions, preferring I trust it to give me everything I need.

Depression sets up grandiose plans for the two of us, implying this will be great. Then when it all crumbles and I am left circling the drain; depression is nowhere to be found.

Yet I have trusted and listened to depression for over 43 years.

And not once, has depression had my best interests at heart. It revels in my buying into its seemingly well-crafted ideas. Depression knows that I spent my youth fishing. So, it has crafted a technique to attract me.

Dangling a bait I cannot resist, I start to nibble on the hook. Depression knows when to set the hook and when to reel me in. Even today, with all the tools I have, depression still jerks my chain, hooking me with the right bait.

But who will I have if I say goodbye to depression?

Using COVID-19 as an excuse, I have not had a therapist appointment in more than a month. I tell myself that the person on the other end of the telephone is doing a crossword puzzle and not really listening to me.

And guess who created that thought in my head? Of course, it is depression. It wants me to think I have control, but deep down it knows that I am only doing its bidding.

And, if using the new tools and resources I have, I can lead a balanced life with depression, where does that leave depression?

READ: Guess what? I am just like everybody else

Why am I feeling sad for MDD? Under its purview, I have destroyed some of the best opportunities I was given. And depression continues to be jealous of the work I am doing to understand it.

Depression doesn’t want me to work on coping statements or analyzing decisions using a cost-benefits worksheet. Depression gets furious when I ask better questions instead of blindly following its suggestions.

So, the question I have for myself is, will I continue to rely on depression for company, or can I replace it with something or someone more supportive?

Wishing and hoping that this will be true is not a strategy. Once again, I am at a crossroads, where I get to choose. Will I continue to listen to depression, or can I create a more balanced life, where I am more in control of myself?

READ: Why am I afraid to be me?

My track record is extremely poor in this regard. Each time I have gotten to the edge of success, depression and I have figured out that I do not deserve this.

How can I be worthy of success?

Carrying around a lifetime of guilt and shame, there is no room in the bag for success. Depression has told me that, time after time. Why do I continue to fight this? Isn’t it time I just gave in to what depression wants? It would be a heck of a lot easier.

Even while saying this, I know that I can never give up.

When I don’t hear depression, I am successful. I am confident and even deserving of the rewards I am given for all my hard work. There are moments when I understand what my life can be. So, I am still fighting for these moments.

Yet every day, I am pushing the same rock up the same hill.

[ Thank you again Frank King for this concise illustration of depression. Learn More about Frank King Here]

Even when the rock is a pebble and the hill is just a slight incline, the rock, and the hill are always there every single day. And this can be very tiring. But I am still persevering and using what I have learned in the past 14 months to find a way to lead a balanced life with depression.

But who or what will replace all the time I spend with depression?

My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.

Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last year, I am sharing what I learn. If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, please share. 

I very much appreciate your comments.