[ I just sent this to my siblings, wife, children, nieces, and nephews. My goal is to update them on my relationship with my depression and alert them to my second retirement.]
I began getting a paycheck before I was ten.
I kind of fudged my birthday so I could deliver the Montgomery County Sentinel newspaper once a week. The newspaper said I must be ten. I was going to be ten in a few weeks, so I fudged my answer and started delivering newspapers. I got the newspapers on Thursday morning before school and delivered them by the end of the day. Later, I found I could make $4 plus a soda and a Snickers bar after the front nine by caddying at the local country club. I used the money to buy Estes model rockets and the rocket motors to fly them.
So, I have been working for over 60 years.
I know that when I retired in 2019, I ended up in the hospital with major depression. And it has been 6 ½ years since I retired the first time. I think part of my depression stemmed from not having a plan for what I would do. I quickly found that writing resumes did not give me the same positive endorphins that working with people in person did. This time, I feel that I have a better plan.
In two weeks, I will be 70 years old.
I am ready to spend more time with the grandkids, my children, my wife, and myself. Heck, I might get back to playing golf, fishing, hunting, and being around boats of all kinds. Maybe I will occasionally sleep in or get up super early. Heck, I might even take a short nap at some point during the day.
But there is one drawback to my retiring this year, and my depression is taking some blame.
I am $700 short of having what I need to cover every expense, every month, for the next 20 or more years. I do have a $20,000 cushion that gives me at least two and a half years to get everything in place. Additionally, at 70 ½, I must begin taking distributions from my 401 (k).
My plan is to put those dollars directly into the house principal.
Based on what one of you is doing, I am paying the mortgage bi-weekly. And I have an extra $100 going towards principal every month. And once the rental property is finalized, I will receive $700 per month, after property management, insurance, and property taxes. That will make me even, but I want to be ahead as soon as I can.
The sad part is my depression, and I never grew my nest egg like it could have grown.
This leaves me with some resources, but nothing like what could have been built, had I not had a family history of depression. I remember that with Uncle Bob, we called it “nerves.” And other family members ‘ run-ins with anxiety and depression, we mostly never talked about. This was never a good strategy.
After 55 years with my depression, I finally had to decide how I was going to move forward.
That morning, 6 ½ years ago, as I drove to the emergency room, I saw only three choices:
- Take my life
- Continue doing what I have done for over 50 years, while expecting a different result
- Seek professional medical help.
Option 1 still scares me, and door #2 didn’t make sense anymore.
I remember getting praise for being strong enough to advocate for myself. The truth is, I only saw door #3. I did not consider myself being brave, I was just doing what I thought was the right thing for me. And back to the taking of my own life, I put together a plan over 50 years ago but never acted upon it. So, this left me to seek professional medical help.
In the past 6 ½ years, I have learned about WRAP, the Change Triangle, CBT, Smart Recovery, and passed an online course giving me the ability to start my own Smart Recovery Group.
I am not sure if this letter answers questions or creates a new batch of them. Regardless, I have two objectives in writing this letter: First, I want you to know that I am strong, resilient, and excited about the future. Second, I want to make sure that you know that my future includes retiring at the end of this month. There are upcoming birthdays, travel, and summer get-togethers that will occupy much of my time.
I am open to speaking with any or all of you in more detail about anything.
I am looking forward to focusing more on family and leaving work with those still working. It seems I am booked through July of next year. Next fall, I might take a college class towards a Master’s in Geography. Or become a seasonal worker at Costco for the holidays.
My love to each of you,
Joel / Dad / Grandpa / Uncle Joel / Gruncle Joel
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