[ I published this in July and it is now September.
After a few months of additional procrastination, I am finally going to share my news. After all, I’m not getting any younger. And, I have had two therapy sessions with a new therapist. These are already reminding me of the strength I have within. Now it is a matter of using that strength to follow through. If my story can help other employees not feel alone, then the cost will be worth it.
I will let you know in a future blog post, how this works out.]
I originally wrote letters to my employees, boss, and the company I work for 2 ½ years ago.
Talk about being chicken s&^t. While I haven’t followed through, I still think that telling the world is the next logical step. That telling the world will help others. More importantly, I feel that it will help me. Finally, I have put my real name on my blog. The big picture on what that means I am still working to discover.
I have written 6 letters to employees, my boss, and the company so far, and have delivered zero.
The catalyst for this is an open letter to the employees of the company. Not only do I come clean, but I outline all of the resources that are available through our employee benefits programs. In the letter, I share a bit about my relationship with depression. And I speak about all of the support that is offered to employees at no cost.
In the letter, I share some of my experiences using the company resources.
And I talk about the struggles I have had taking advantage of all of the employee benefits. That’s where it gets complicated. My company has many resources available for depression. Yet, having depression makes it hard for me to get help for depression.
Here is the letter:
Dear Fellow XXXXX employee:
I have been with XXXXX for 32 total years. And for twice as long, I have had Major Depressive Disorder with suicidal ideation.
My depression cheated me out of spending 20 years teaching and growing the business. After three years as a General Manager, I stepped back into an Assistant GM’s position. I discovered later that my depression was feeling jealous and unloved. It needed me to do something different. My depression had this picture of the two of us, sharing secrets. And as a GM, I was way too busy to pay sufficient attention to my depression.
In 2008, my depression and I went off grid and I left the company. Depression suggested that taking care of my aging mother was a good reason to toss away 17 years with XXXXX. I am eternally thankful that Costco was able to rehire me months later for the same position, AGM, in the same building.
Fast forward to 9 years ago. I interviewed for and received the opportunity to open XXXXXXXXX. This brought me and my family back to Virginia. I was closer to Mom, and my wife and I had found five acres near Shenandoah National Park and the Appalachian trail. Our neighbors became cows, alpacas, rabbits, deer, and the occasional black bear.
During the transition, my depression was absent. Not thinking about it, I went right ahead as if nothing had happened. Those two major depressive episodes were over. I was only looking to the future and was oblivious to the consequences of depression and my actions.
Next, I was looking forward to my 25-year badge. The stock would have been nice, but I really wanted that 25-year name badge. When 26 total years passed, I felt that it was time. Imagine my embarrassment when I called my regional VP, XXX XXXX. It was only then that I discovered that the 25 years had to be consecutive.
Finally, after XXXXX was open a couple of years, my depression had another brilliant idea. It had me decide that I could turn my part time resume writing and career coaching business into a full-time gig. Even better, it promoted the idea that I could throw 40 years of planning for retirement out the window and just retire right now. My depression invoked the secrecy clause, and I became withdrawn. By then I felt that I could only trust my depression. Ideas from other sources weren’t part of depressions master plan and were quickly discarded.
So, I retired and within a year, my depression began including panic attacks, which I had never had before. Then I was up against the wall, with no way forward. This finally led to my checking into UVA’s 5 north. That morning, before I drove to the ER, I saw only three choices:
- End my life
- Keep doing the same thing while expecting a different result
- Seek professional medical attention
Because I am writing this today, you can guess I did not choose door number one. And door two seemed like such a crazy way to live my life. I just couldn’t do it anymore. So, there I was in the ER, asking to be admitted. By the end of the day a bed was found. For four days, the hospital staff gave me tools, resources, and peer advocates. I learned about SMART recovery, the Change Triangle, WRAP, and saw how each day my depression was and is still testing me.
I began a blog and have written over 625 entries. Until a few weeks ago, I was afraid of what “they might say.” So, I used the pseudonym, Depression Is Not My Boss.
After 5 North, I developed better coping skills for my depression, and I called my old VP. 90 days later, with XXX XXXXX’s help again, I interviewed at XXXXXXX. The opening was for a senior manager. XXX hired me for the position. 18 months later, I interviewed for an AGM position in XXX XXXXXXX. I have been the AGM over Admn there for the past four years.
I write this letter mainly to let all XXXXX employees know they are not alone. Although the names of the resources have changed over the years, XXXXX has an impressive slate of tools, programs, and individual sessions. Your General Manager is a great place to start if depression or other mental health issues threaten your performance. But know that these resources are confidential.
Having tried to get help when I really needed help, I get the frustration some programs require to get started. But all are worth the cost of admission. I can’t say enough about the resources our company offers. And as our employee base faces new challenges, XXXXX sees value in developing new programs.
Until my time at 5 North, I couldn’t say “I have depression” out loud. But I finally decided that enough was enough. It has taken me another five years to come clean about my depression. While I am not a doctor, and I do not play one on TV, I am finally a good listener.
I am finally brave enough to admit I have depression. However, I spent most of my life worried about stigma and “what would they say?” I am not suggesting that you lay all your cards on the table. But as I finally discovered, asking for help is not a sign of weakness. People have told me I did the right thing by choosing the hospital, and that I am very brave. The truth is, coming clean about my life with depression is, for me, the least scary of the three options I felt that I had.
XXXXX has made so much possible for me and my family. Sharing what I have learned about my depression and mental health is one way to give back. So, if you, or someone you know, may benefit from all the resources XXXXX offers, please share them.
Knowing I am not alone was huge for me as I learned to say, “I have depression, depression does not have me.”
Going from “Oh this looks helpful” to “I have to do what?” makes getting help harder.
And it doesn’t matter how many great resources my company has, if I am not taking advantage of them, then they may as well not exist. Talk therapy is a big part of what my company is offering. And the first 6 sessions are free. Even after that, the co-pay is less than $20.
But I make all kinds of excuses and reasons not to start or not to continue talk therapy.
During COVID, my therapist smartly moved my sessions to phone conversations. And on the phone, all I could think of was my therapist doing the crossword puzzle. In my mind, she was completely ignoring me and focusing on 7 down, a six-letter word that begins with R.
I have no evidence that this was true, but this was the picture I had in my head of what was happening.
With every talk therapist, I have found some reason not to continue. And I have found each therapist focused almost exclusively on those who seek them out. It may even be against their Hippocratic oath to “figure out how to follow up with patients.” Understanding what is happening and then acting is what I hope will happen. I hope they will take part in connecting with me. In reality, what happens is I ghost the therapist or invent an excuse to reschedule, and then never call again.
Now I am back to making excuses for not sharing my diagnosis with my employees, my boss, and my company.
The fact that I am using “I am getting ready” says it all. If I am just “getting ready” I can continue to find things each day that “prevent” me from sharing my diagnosis. And while I have shared my diagnosis and full name on my website’s blog pages, there has been no nationwide sharing of this. I keep forgetting that it is not about me.
So, if I tell my work that I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, with suicidal ideation, very few may pay attention.
And it may not mean anything substantive to those who do hear it. The more I look at what I am thinking, the more I see a problem with my logic. I am using “what will they think” as an excuse to delay my coming out to my employees, boss, and company. I am afraid of stigma. And my getting worked up creates another reason for me to delay sharing my diagnosis with the world.
I am putting so much more emphasis on this than it merits.
It is really just “one of those things.” And it is just something I need to say for my own piece of mind. If, in the end, others benefit from this announcement, then all the better. But my sharing my diagnosis is a step I see that will help me make sense of what I live with.
