Why Did My Therapist Want Me to Lighten Up?

Photo by Kostiantyn Vierkieiev on Unsplash

She wanted me to know that my therapy was not being scored, that there would be no test later.

There are no right or wrong answers. And everything I say in therapy stays in therapy. But after three sessions, I can understand why she would say that. Lighten up was what I heard, don’t be so hard on yourself, or something equivalent is what she said.

I heard it, but I’m still processing it.

Wanting to be evergreen, I motivate people. I congratulate them on their successes, both big and small. In my career, I have mentored 100’s in several companies. I care about what happens to people. I want them to value themselves so that they can achieve their goals. And I often help them see that their goal can be larger than they envision.

So, the question becomes, “Why can’t I do that for myself.”

Is it true that I am being taken advantage of when I provide this for people? Am I letting people use me, knowing I will do what I say? Or am I just being hard on myself? That seems to be where this is leading. I am forgiving to everyone.

Yet I need to be perfect, so I cannot forgive myself.

I need to be viewed as the go-to guy, the person who stays calm under pressure. I am always there when customers demand that they speak to the manager. It is important to me that my employees are supported in front of upset people. If it’s good news, I want them to be the hero. If it’s bad news, I should deliver it in person.

Even as I am writing this, I am in my head.

I size up my thoughts so they are written well. Then, I construct each part of the story to accentuate anyone involved. I defer to their needs, and even if they don’t see it, I share their success stories with senior managers somewhere up the food chain.

So why can’t I turn it off?

In my defense, I haven’t cracked the cover of the workbook I ordered for “No Bad Parts.” But if I was lightening up, why did I even order it? Because I wanted to do my best. My goal is to make the most out of each therapy session. After reviewing material related to our conversation, I assumed that I was helping move things along.

Now I see that I have gone the extra mile many times before.

But my version of going the extra mile takes me miles away from where I should be. For example, when learning how to trade commodities, I spent money and time learning about cattle from the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. What I realize now is that I should have been focusing on what my trading strategy was going to be. What would constitute a valid buy or sell signal was what I needed.

And worse, I was so focused on being prepared that I forgot about how I would execute trades.

This led to a drain on my account. I was doing well trading while also being a manager and fully employed. Once I quit to trade full-time, the wheels came off. I never committed to whatever program I was subscribing to, and the results were mediocre, at best. I justified my leaving work because I was going to spend more time with my aging mother.

But that was only an excuse I used to avoid talking about why I quit work.

It turns out that my depression saw that I was getting things together. My depression had the idea that if I continued on my current path, I wouldn’t need it anymore. So, it concocted this plan to free me from the path I was on. It whispered in my ear, and it waited patiently for its idea to become my idea. Once this happened, my depression was once again in the driver’s seat.

So now I have gone down a rabbit hole about something from the past, avoiding thinking about being easier on myself.

I do that a lot. I choose something to think and write about. Then, before I can even begin to flesh it out, I am off on a wild safari, light years from what I wanted to think about. However, within 500 to 700 words, I come around to the idea I wanted to think about.

It’s like I am warming up in the bullpen before attempting to strike out batters from the opposing team.

And today, my goal was to think more about why I cannot be easier on myself. When I got up this morning, I filled my coffee mug and went to the front porch. I didn’t look for emails on my phone. No texting or skimming of today’s headlines. Just me, my coffee, and the wildlife, mostly birds at the feeders.

Yet, as I sat rocking in a rocking chair on the porch, all I could see was that the birdfeeders needed filling.

Then my mind jumped to the grass on the front lawn getting long again, my goal of trimming the huge forsythia bush beside the garage, and the clutter in my home office that I have been ignoring. This led to my thinking about doing laundry sometime today, so I will be ready for work tomorrow morning.

How can I relax and lighten up when all of this needs to be done?

I had gone so far in my therapy session to state that I would like to take a day off. When asked what I would do with this day, I allowed that I didn’t want to do anything. But with everything reminding me of something I need to do, I am finding it very hard to ignore these ideas and do nothing.

I will attempt to narrow my focus to one or two things and then take on some personal time.