I originally wrote letters to my employees, boss, and the company I work for 2 ½ years ago.
Talk about being chicken s&^t. While I haven’t followed through, I am still thinking that telling the world is the next logical step. That telling the world will help others. More importantly, I feel that it will help me. Finally, I have put my real name on my blog. The big picture on what that means I am still working to discover.
I have written 6 letters to employees, my boss and the company so far, and have delivered zero.
The catalyst for these is an open letter to the employees of the company. Not only do I come clean, but I outline all of the resources that are available through our employee benefits programs. In the letter, I share a bit about my relationship with depression. And I speak about all of the support that is offered to employees at no cost.
In the letter, I share some of my experiences using the company resources.
And I talk about the struggles I have had taking advantage of all of the employee benefits. That’s where it gets complicated. My company has many resources available for depression. Yet, having depression makes it hard for me to get help for depression.
Going from “oh this looks helpful” to “I have to do what?” makes getting help harder.
And it doesn’t matter how many great resources my company has, if I am not taking advantage of them, then they may as well not exist. Talk therapy is a big part of what my company is offering. And the first 6 sessions are free. Even after that, the co-pay is less than $20.
But I make all kinds of excuses and reasons not to start or not to continue talk therapy.
During covid, my therapist smartly moved my sessions to phone conversations. And on the phone, all I could think of was my therapist doing the crossword puzzle. In my mind, she was completely ignoring me and focusing on 7 down, a six-letter word that begins with R.
I have no evidence that this was true, but this was the picture I had in my head of what was happening.
With every talk therapist, I have found some reason not to continue. And I have found each therapist focused almost exclusively on those who seek them out. It may even be against their Hippocratic oath to “figure out how to follow up with patients.” Understanding what is happening and then acting is what I hope will happen. I hope they will take part in connecting with me. In reality, what happens is I ghost the therapist or invent an excuse to reschedule, and then never call again.
Now I am back to making excuses for not sharing my diagnosis with my employees, my boss, and my company.
That fact that I am using “I am getting ready” says it all. If I am just “getting ready” I can continue to find things each day that “prevent” me from sharing my diagnosis. And while I have shared my diagnosis and full name on my website’s blog pages, there has been no nationwide sharing of this. I keep forgetting that it is not about me.
So, if I tell my work that I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, with suicidal ideation, very few may pay attention.
And it may not mean anything substantive to those that do hear it. The more I look at what I am thinking, the more I see a problem with my logic. I am using “what will they think” as an excuse to delay my coming out to my employees, boss, and company. I am afraid of stigma. And my getting worked up creates another reason for me to delay sharing my diagnosis with the world.
I am putting so much more emphasis on this than it merits.
It is really just “one of those things.” And it really is just something I need to say for my own piece of mind. If, in the end, others benefit from this announcement, then all the better. But my sharing my diagnosis is a step I see that will help me make sense of what I live with.
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