Why I Still Need Therapy at 70—and What Happens When I Miss It

 Since I began with my new therapist over a year ago, I have missed several weeks of therapy.

The first week it happened was because of a family vacation. I must admit that I was worked up about it, but the anxiety was unfounded. The week went smoothly, and I didn’t circle the drain on the way to the abyss. In fact, it was a non-event.

Now I am out of the country for a month. My therapist has been very accommodating. She has offered her services whenever I need them. As it stands now, we will get together via Zoom in weeks three and four of my time in Panama. I appreciate her concern about me and my journey.

I did think of a few things I will miss this week and next.

1. It’s Wednesday, and I should be leaving for therapy. In my head, I have a routine. On Wednesday morning, my routine includes getting ready for therapy. Even though I am not in the country, I am thinking that I should be leaving now.
2. One of the first things my therapist asks me is, “So how was the week?” I am thinking about that and how I would answer. Even though I am very near the equator and will be swimming before 11 AM, I think of myself as “OK.” I left 14-degree weather on Sunday to arrive in Panama, where it is 80 degrees every day. But I am not overly happy and certainly not sad, but OK. I think you can see the forced smile in the pictures that we have taken so far. I do have an appointment with a new Psychiatrist the first week home, March 6^th. I am thinking that my medicine is creating this fog of just OKness.
3. My therapist has this way of always circling back to the thing I am avoiding. She will let me go off on a tangent, but then is so good about refocusing my energy on the thoughts I am avoiding. She is proud of the fact that I recognize this is happening, but would rather I learn how to refocus myself. And while I know she is doing what I need to see to get more resilient, I sometimes wish she weren’t so focused (But one reason I keep seeing her is that she is training me to be more focused).
4. My therapist always wants to know where I feel something. Is it in my stomach, my head, my heart. This is an area in which I need more practice. I have pushed my anger to the depths and rarely allow it to see the light of day. I am finally understanding that suppressing anger also suppresses joy. And every other emotion. As of this morning, I know that I will need a lot more work in this area. For now, I do not feel much of anything physically.
5. I just plain miss my time with my therapist. Being 70, I should have passed feeling that way, but here I am missing my time with her. I have learned so much about myself, and I realize there is a lot more to learn.  So I am looking forward to week three, where I will get to work with her via Zoom.

My coffee mug has long been empty.

Last night, on the way home, I found some fresh blueberries at the market. I plan to have some of those over the cereal I picked out when we first arrived. Then it’s a dip in the pool before we head to the beach. There is a bird sitting on a string of lights over the pool. It’s waiting for bugs to fly down near the water.

So, I am ready to start my day, even without therapy. I will let you know how it goes.